The Last Year

Hey! Here's a brief look at the last year, and what I've (hopefully) learned!

My family recently marked the 1 year "anniversary" of my dad's death. So much has changed for all of us in the last year, and yet in some ways it feels as though it could have been yesterday. We spent the weekend together having fun and remembering my dad (often through tears). It is hard to know what to think or say with a year having passed. Grief is hard, and I think we all wondered when it would feel "normal" again- though as we'd all tell you it isn't the same normal. It's a "new normal". Life has gone on and we've all adjusted to some degree, but there will always be someone missing. God has always been good to us, though.

I read through some of my blog posts from a year ago and cried, remembering the fresh pain of that loss. And I imagine it is both that refreshing of memory and my 29th birthday approaching that has me awfully introspective. A year ago I was thinking about all of the ways I wanted to live my life differently, to be like my dad in many ways. I'm reviewing my life now, to see how I've done and determine what I should do from here on out.

Here is a "to-do list" I drew up based on my thoughts from a year ago.

1. I had a new perspective on life- that it is short, precious and fragile, and shouldn't be wasted. I haven't "seized the day" as much as I should have, but I'm working on it.
2. I wanted to make every interaction count - to have an impression on someone. I haven't sought out interaction or connected with new people, really. I've talked for more than a year about starting a guys group, or a group with middle/high school guys, maybe it's time to take action.
3. I wanted to embrace what makes me feel alive. I'm a maker at heart. I have done a few building projects that fit this category! I hand-crafted several Christmas gifts for my family as well as building a loft bed for myself. Other craftsmanly side projects are waiting for good weather and the right materials as well.
4. I wanted to be able to go out and experience the world and creation. This is a tough one to explain. I've always wanted to do adventury things- big backpacking trips, adventure camping trips, Alaska trips... But haven't done it, likely for a lot of reasons. Mostly, though, my weight has held me back. I haven't been up to the challenge. I am proud to announce that I've been working out (mostly) regularly for a while now. I'm working my way toward this one.
5. I wanted to resist complacency and be intentional. I wanted to make decisions and move, not just do what is easiest (which historically is my greatest failing). I have improved a little in this area. 

So I've got some work to do still, but I've made progress! It's a start. I was asked recently what I want to be doing in a year. It was such an open-ended question and I hadn't thought about it for a long time. What DO I want to be doing? Am I happy with my career? Shouldn't I have a wife by now? Have I settled in this area for the long haul? I was sort of caught off guard. I had no answers. I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I want to be, but not as much time on what I want to be doing.

Let me ask you this, reader: What would you do if you could do anything? Would you go to a far away land? Would you work the job you are working? Would you stay close to your family?

Thanks for listening. God is good.

Recent Things

I really thought I would be blogging more. A lot has been happening, life (as it turns out) is surprisingly busy.

As a short recap: my mom couldn't afford to stay in the house she and my dad lived in (for the last 4 years), so she found a house in the area that she and my dad had looked at years ago. It is a house built in 1911- kept in good shape until a couple years ago. There were some squatters in the house that trashed much of it. So my mom could afford to buy the house, but it needs a lot of little renovations. But it will be a good place for her. I've been spending my weekends there for the last couple of months to help her move.

I'm also preparing to move myself. I've been living in what we call the "Burke House" for almost 3 years now- when I moved in, I thought I would only be there for a month or two. Over time, I came to appreciate the community of the house and the beauty of the property, but it is time to move out. I've had a lot of really great housemates, one of whom is moving with me. We're currently looking for a good house for 2-4 guys and 1-2 more guys to share it with us. The landlord has plans for the house once we're out, so we are in a hurry.

So the church I work at has a brilliant Christian psychologist who volunteers his time to talk to our staff one on one. My "supervisor" asked me to talk to him. I assumed it was because of the perceived increase in stress I was going through. I was a little anxious about the idea, to be honest. I felt like I should be insulted by the idea- that I would need to talk to a psychologist? What- am I crazy? But just about everyone on staff talks to him from time to time. So I went and talked to him a couple days ago.

I found myself very nervous. I've openly talked about everything going on in my life with a lot of people, both very close friends and peripheral acquaintances- but was somehow nervous about talking to a psychologist. But the time came and I sat down with him. He had a calming demeanor but an intense look to his eyes. But I told him what has been going on in my life- my mom moving because my dad died in February, moving out of the house and saying goodbye to friends, extra stress with the busyness of work... I told him that I had been asked to come talk to him. For some reason, I was surprised when he asked about my dad, and my relationship with him. I remember thinking "So THIS is what we're going to talk about..." So I told him about my dad, about how much I love him and miss him, how great of a man he was and what a great mentor he was for me. Just like that, I found myself talking. I talked and cried for about 45 minutes, with the psychologist pointing out parts of the grieving process now and then, and making small suggestions.

It was amazing how it seemed like he understood me- knew what was going on for me right now- this feeling of loss that I'm still dealing with (He says I will always deal with it), and how it impacts every part of my life. He said I will be tired more (check), my muscles will ache more (check), I'll stub my toes more (strangely... check), I'll lose my cool over something I don't really care about (check)... It was amazing. I have talked to a lot of friends about this, but hadn't heard anyone really understand and know like he did. He was very encouraging of the way we've all talked and cried together as a family, and told me to keep doing that. I left feeling strangely refreshed.

So the big take away for me was to see that all areas of my life- my frustrations with other problems, in particular, are related to my loss.

Life is going on. The whole family is doing pretty well- though we're all pretty tired, I think. We've been able to spend weekends together working on my mom's move, but it isn't very restful (or fun, haha...) But we'll soon be done and get some rest.

God is good.

Deep Friendships

Some old art major buddies of mine were getting together over the weekend, and it looked like I might not be able to make it. After some consideration, I decided to make it happen. I've had a lot of heavy stuff on my mind lately, and a spur of the moment trip to visit old friends did a lot of good. In fact a couple of weeks ago, I got a visit from my old friend Casey Butler, which also helped me.

So lately, I've been reminded of the importance of having deep friendships. I have a lot of what I'd call "peripheral friends" - people who I consider friends, but rarely share the deep concerns of my life with. Unfortunately, however, I feel that I don't have a lot of friends right now who I can share my deeper emotions and thoughts with. In the last 2.5 years, I've had several very close friends sort of move out of the area (and thus out of my life, in some ways). It is not impossible to keep up those distanced friendships, but certainly difficult.

So it was good to meet up with people I have history with, and with whom I share interests and passions. I've dealt with my dad's passing through introversion- I've spent a lot of time alone (I wanted it that way- don't freak out, extroverts), but it was great to get back into relationships and community with old friends.

It was another step toward "getting back to normal" for me. And it woke up a little more of my creativity and taste for adventure. God is good.

So there's an insanely big rainstorm outside and all I want to do is go run around in it!

Spring and Life

I spent the weekend with my family. It continues to be huge for healing and moving on, little at a time.

I took yesterday off so I could help my mom clean out my dad's office at the church. It was rough at times, and we both shed a few tears while putting away his books and misc. desk stuff. However the hardest and most emotional part was closing the door of the office and leaving. The act of doing so just had this heavy feeling of finality. We both cried hard as we got ready to leave, but with time we're healing. Going through his books (some he helped write/edit), I was reminded by what a brilliant guy my dad was. We also came across more personal things- a mother's day card for my mom (he never wrote in or gave her), among other things- that revealed his loving side. I sure miss him.

My sweet 9 month old nephew had a health scare a few days ago. Doctors thought his spleen was enlarged, which could mean several very scary things, cancer being one of them. I'm usually very laid back and worry free. But with the pain of the recent loss of my dad still close in my mind, I was far more concerned than I normally would have been. This is not to say I was panicking- I was still praying and trusting God. But it just reminds me- life is so precious. Why would we waste moments watching worthless tv? Or arguing over worthless things? Well my nephew ended up being fine- his spleen is just a little more "protruding" than the average spleen, I guess. So he's fine. Praise God.

With the weather starting to warm up, I'm getting excited about the possibility of new adventures (which, frankly, is what this blog is SUPPOSED to be about!). This spring/summer, I'm hoping to do lots of camping, treasure hunting, hiking and such. Though I imagine I won't feel quite like myself for some time still, my heart is beginning to feel a change in the winds. The hope of Christ, I'm reminded, is that life goes on and death is only a temporary separation. Joy is making its way back into my life (and that of my family) in spurts. I feel compelled to also say this: Without knowledge of the redemptive death and resurrection of Christ, I don't know how I'd deal with this. God is so so so good.

6 Weeks

It was six weeks on friday night since my dad passed away.

It is strange how you can hear people talk about this sort of experience and think you understand, but really not get it until you're there. The feelings are so hard to put into words. The small things are what have hit hardest recently. I think of things I'd like to tell my dad about- a star trek themed bath robe or how I fixed my car. And for brief moments I have to remember that he's gone. There's this sorrow for feeling the loss all over again and a feeling much like shame (but not quite shame) for having forgotten in that moment that he isn't here. Sometimes I just wish I could talk to him.

I'm fortunate to work for people who are so understanding. Understanding, in fact, to the point that I've been allowed to spend wednesday night through Sundays at my mom's house for a while. So I got to spend time with my mom (and the rest of the family) this weekend and that was really great. I'm finding more and more how that rejuvenates me. My brother's kids are therapeutic in times like these. Reminding us of life and joy. His 3rd child is about 9 months now, and he's such a sweetheart. He is just starting to put words together. He's getting a handle on "Hi" right now, and does "mamamama"s and "dadadada"s as well. Being around them reminds me of God's goodness. I'm hoping an "uncle Nate" finds its way in there soon. : )

But back in Troy, my life begins to feel a little normal again. I have started wanting to hang out with friends and get into a workout routine. I'm also looking forward to spending some time outside soon. My head is still not all here, but God is good and I'm starting to adjust.

How to move on

It's been about 5 weeks now since my dad passed. It has been a difficult process adjusting already, but I know the process is far from over. I had a dream last night in which my dad was still here, it was hard waking up to remember the truth. Hopefully that won't be a recurring theme.

 "Everyone grieves differently" I'm told, and I know a lot of people turn to creative pursuits in this process. My heart hasn't much been in that yet, but it is coming back little by little. I've actually found myself seeking distraction more than anything. Movies have really appealed to me lately, as well as some tv shows on Netflix. The night before my dad died, I hit a deer with Babe, my blue 95 Jeep Cherokee. I had called him that night and talked with him a little about how I'd need his help with repairs, and how he didn't think the repairs would be too bad. That was our last conversation. Just another reminder about how much he meant to me and how much I relied on him... Anyway, I hadn't planned on doing the work without his help, but now I'm anxious to get it all done. Right now it is my distraction. I've always wanted to be like my dad in that way (and many ways)- to be able to fix cars by myself. In some strange way it seems like a memorial for him.

 I've been driving his old jeep while mine is under the weather. It is surreal to be driving it. His receipts and tools are everywhere, a constant reminder of how suddenly he was gone from here. I drove this jeep when I was in high school, and intermittently through college (and even since...) when I had trouble with my own car. Anyway, my dad's old Jeep is not what it once was, and I hate to be putting all of these miles on it, so for that reason I don't think I'll be visiting the family this weekend. I want to get my jeep fixed (if I can) before I head back. I went to the junkyard and got all of the parts I need yesterday. I saved a ton of money and actually had some fun. Dad would have loved it.

 I really miss my family lately. It is strange how alone you can feel even when surrounded by close friends who care. My friends have been great- but I miss my family. I miss "home". But God is good. The one thing that I'm overwhelmed by more than sadness is how great a man my dad was and how thankful I am to have had him as my dad.