How to move on

It's been about 5 weeks now since my dad passed. It has been a difficult process adjusting already, but I know the process is far from over. I had a dream last night in which my dad was still here, it was hard waking up to remember the truth. Hopefully that won't be a recurring theme.

 "Everyone grieves differently" I'm told, and I know a lot of people turn to creative pursuits in this process. My heart hasn't much been in that yet, but it is coming back little by little. I've actually found myself seeking distraction more than anything. Movies have really appealed to me lately, as well as some tv shows on Netflix. The night before my dad died, I hit a deer with Babe, my blue 95 Jeep Cherokee. I had called him that night and talked with him a little about how I'd need his help with repairs, and how he didn't think the repairs would be too bad. That was our last conversation. Just another reminder about how much he meant to me and how much I relied on him... Anyway, I hadn't planned on doing the work without his help, but now I'm anxious to get it all done. Right now it is my distraction. I've always wanted to be like my dad in that way (and many ways)- to be able to fix cars by myself. In some strange way it seems like a memorial for him.

 I've been driving his old jeep while mine is under the weather. It is surreal to be driving it. His receipts and tools are everywhere, a constant reminder of how suddenly he was gone from here. I drove this jeep when I was in high school, and intermittently through college (and even since...) when I had trouble with my own car. Anyway, my dad's old Jeep is not what it once was, and I hate to be putting all of these miles on it, so for that reason I don't think I'll be visiting the family this weekend. I want to get my jeep fixed (if I can) before I head back. I went to the junkyard and got all of the parts I need yesterday. I saved a ton of money and actually had some fun. Dad would have loved it.

 I really miss my family lately. It is strange how alone you can feel even when surrounded by close friends who care. My friends have been great- but I miss my family. I miss "home". But God is good. The one thing that I'm overwhelmed by more than sadness is how great a man my dad was and how thankful I am to have had him as my dad.